Understanding and Addressing Male Low Libido
Male low libido can be deeply hurtful to a partner who desires intimacy. However, the cultural myth that men avoid sex because their wives are unattractive or unenthusiastic is simply not true. Many beautiful, fit, and sexually desiring women seek sex therapy to address their husbands’ lack of interest in sex. So, why does this happen? Here are four reasons and potential resolutions:
1. His Work Becomes His Focus
When men are deeply invested in their careers, they may redirect their sexual energy towards their work. The praise, promotions, and ego boosts from professional success can be highly stimulating.
Resolution:
Show genuine interest in his career by engaging in conversations about his work and remembering specific details. Request dedicated “couple time” daily, with phones turned off, and weekly date nights. Consider scheduling intimacy in the morning when both partners are more alert.
2. Sexual Autonomy
Some men prefer to satisfy their sexual desires through masturbation, especially with pornography or fantasies, because it is quick and efficient. This behavior can stem from a deep-seated fear of vulnerability and dependence on another person for sexual fulfillment. Cultural ideals of masculinity, which emphasize independence and self-reliance, can reinforce this behavior.
Resolution:
Communicate openly with your husband about the importance of sex for your marital happiness. Encourage him to reduce masturbation to build desire for partner intimacy. Remind yourself that his lack of desire may not be personal but a defense mechanism against attachment. Agree on a frequency of intimacy that satisfies both partners.
3. Anxiety About Sexual Performance
Erectile dysfunction (ED), early ejaculation (EE), and delayed ejaculation (DE) can have various causes, but the common factors—frustration, worry, and feelings of inadequacy—can significantly impact a man’s sexual confidence.
Resolution for Older Men:
Performance anxiety may be mistaken for low libido. This can be particularly challenging when post-menopausal wives worry about their attractiveness. First, consult a urologist to check testosterone levels. If medication like sildenafil (Viagra) is needed, embrace the opportunity for extended foreplay. Request “sexy time” and express the desire for physical closeness and mutual pleasure. Reducing pressure may allow his natural response to return.
Resolution for Younger Men:
Anxiety about a partner’s reaction can double their stress. Be kind and supportive while insisting on seeking professional help. Women can reduce anxiety by being flexible about how climax occurs (e.g., allowing masturbation during intimate moments). Early ejaculation can often be resolved through sex therapy, but also consider discussing his pornography use, as it may contribute to his sexual difficulties.
4. Inner Conflicts Outweigh Desires
A reticent, kind-hearted male patient struggling with low libido finally revealed his internal conflicts. One part of him was an anxious teenager hesitant to initiate sex. Another part was a feminist-leaning young man who viewed sex as degrading for women. The third part was a “caveman” eager for intimacy. The first two aspects often overruled the desires of the third, leaving him silent about his needs with his wife. She was amazed as he shared his complexity and later asked if she could occasionally engage with his “caveman” side.
Resolution:
In couples therapy, explore the underlying meanings and potential shame associated with his desire. Help him seek reassurance from his partner and address any internal conflicts. Open communication can bridge the gap between his inner world and his relationship needs.
Addressing male low libido requires understanding, empathy, and proactive steps. By recognizing these factors and implementing thoughtful resolutions, couples can work towards a more fulfilling and intimate relationship.