Those who pursue better sexual experiences are not powerless to change the dynamics and create more satisfying encounters. Last weekend, I ordered an ice cream sundae with extra whipped cream while out with my family. Imagine my surprise when the sundae arrived with a mountain of whipped cream that looked like it was about to float away! I was delighted, but I told myself it was a rare occurrence that probably wouldn’t happen again, no matter how many times I asked. As a pursuer, I often feel like nothing is ever quite enough. This mindset is common among sexual pursuers, who often end up with partners who are more distant in their approach to intimacy.

You might think this story is leading to some wild, kinky details about what I did with that whipped cream—after all, this is a blog about sex. But actually, the overwhelming amount of whipped cream made me feel too self-conscious to even think about sex.

Sexual pursuers are the ones who take the initiative. They are the ones who risk the first kiss and continuously present their “pleasure plans” to their partners, hoping to create an intimate, playful, and warm relationship. For them, sex is not just a physical act; it fills them with love, generosity, and a sense of purpose. They long for a deeper connection, hoping for an experience that goes beyond the ordinary.

Pursuers are often perfectionists. They leave the bedroom filled with ideas about how things could have been better. They secretly hope for an experience that rates an 11 on a scale of 1 to 10, dreaming of an intense, perfect connection that requires no effort. They pay attention to every sigh and silence, wondering if their partner’s experience matches their own. Their fantasies revolve around more intensity and an effortless, perfect sexual connection.

This can make pursuers seem difficult to please. Even when they have an amazing experience, they might still feel unsatisfied. If things are just average or if something doesn’t go as planned, critical thoughts creep in: “I’ve told you how I like it; why don’t you remember?” They might want to voice their frustrations, thinking, “You seemed distracted, you were only thinking about yourself, you didn’t excite me enough.” These worries can become obsessions, leading to thoughts like, “It’s been too long since the last time. Maybe he/she doesn’t love me anymore, or isn’t attracted to me.” They compare their experiences to the idealized versions of casual sex they see in the media, feeling like their own experiences are lacking.

Pursuers often feel empty, believing their partners are withholding intimacy and controlling the sexual dynamic. They wish their partners could intuitively know how to be the perfect lover without being told. The idea of having to communicate their desires can feel like it ruins the fantasy of being completely understood by someone else. When their partners don’t reciprocate their sexual initiation, it shakes their faith in their partner’s love and desire for the relationship.

Wanting sex is natural, and wanting great sex is equally valid. However, the anxiety of not getting enough or not getting it “good enough” can undermine a partner’s willingness to meet their needs. Demanding perfection—whether in sex, communication, or understanding—puts unnecessary pressure on the relationship. Learning to give space can create a vacuum that draws the more distant partner closer.

Here are some resolutions for sexual pursuers:  

1) Avoid criticizing during intimate moments.  
2) Find two positive things to say about every encounter and then stop there.  
3) Turn criticisms into positive statements—for example, “We don’t have sex often enough” can become “I want to make love to you three times a week!”  
4) Focus on appreciating your partner’s efforts, no matter how small, to gradually improve the relationship.  
5) Thank them for any movement toward your desires, no matter how slight.  
6) Listen carefully for your partner’s subtle requests about the sexual relationship.